Confessions. . .

Yesterday, I was questioned, kind of. And it wasn't the first time. People who read about me, follow me in social medias, people who just meet me for a short while every now and then, or just once, they think 'well that person seems to have such a perfect life, someone like him can't be unhappy'. But there you're wrong. I don't like to write about all my physical and mental problems allover the Internet. So it's understandable that people think that I live a very happy life. So, to make others understand, I will explain now. 

I have the diagnosis depression. I go and see two different psychologists every (sometime every second) week. I struggle with horrible mood swings, anxiety attacks, anxiety over all, and fragile self confidence. I use Instagram as a way to boost myself, and blogging is like... my shrink. I don't write down my self hate or things alike, but I write about things that happen to my, and my thoughts, to reflect. And let the people who are so nice and support me, to know what happens around me.

Both my parents have chosen partners who dislike me and likes to push me down. I had to endure ten years with a stepmother who called me things at times, always loathed my style, my ay to behave, my sexuality, friends, cosplay, hobbies, everything. She made me suicidal. A friend of mine, and GACKT, saved my life when I was sitting on the railroad, 2 years ago. I have had bad habits with selfharm, selfstarving, and things alike. I moved last summer and I haven't seen my dad since then. It's 7 months. And we've been fighting a lot since he didn't want me to move.

My mom is sick. She can't take care of others because of that, and it's not her fault. But it feels like all my life I had to take care of her. Do a lot of chores, shopping, cooking, cleaning. And it wasn't always as appreciated as it should have been, because she forgot that I was doing a lot of things. I grew into a very difficult and messy child. As a 6 years old kid I had to say 'no mom, I don't want any candy' for the weekend, because I knew that if she bought me candy she couldn't afford all the food, or her medicine. I was SIX. A child that age shouldn't have to think of his parent's economy like that.

I have been hit, I have been badly treated, lied to, threatened, and in bad company, during my almost 18 years in life. And yet... I think I turned out quite ok. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I ran away from my mom and stepdad because it didn't work out and they made me suicidal again, by treating me wrong and by threatening me. I lived with my teacher for 3 weeks before I got help to move to a emergency family. I refused to go home. I still don't want to spend the night at mom's place even though I visit sometimes.

I now live with a great couple, Niklas and Johan. They're amazing and supporting. But even though that, it can't take away a depression and anxiety problem just with a snap of their fingers. It's hard work, but I'm getting help. I barely went to school for so many weeks, so I have to redo my second high school year. My closest friends betrayed me during the worst period of last year, and turned their back on me, treated me very badly and one of them hurt me on purpose, because of jealousy. It's alright now, because we talked things through and I know why it all happened. It wasn't okay behavior, but I didn't do all things right either. I could have done a little more to prevent it in the beginning. But thanks to that fight, I got one of my closest friends, Tir. We grew close because of that fight.

And I have the most amazing boyfriend you can imagine. I love him deeply, with all my heart, soul and body. Sebastian just has to be my other half. I'm his and he's mine and no one else can change that.

I have positive things in my life, but there's still a lot that I have to work out. My body and body complexes is one. Family problems is one. That I faint as soon as I get to stressed or upset is one. School is one. Self confidence. Work on feeling safe. I know I can reach the top again, I just need to work hard. I want to be able to fulfill my dreams and goals, and most important, I want to help others who has a hard time at home, in school, or just a struggle with themselves. I will be able to, when I feel alright. Until then, I really appreciate all support.

So I want to end this by thanking all of you who do show support and how much you appreciate me. It means SO much to me, and you make me smile and feel better every day. I love you all. Thank you, dear puppies. ♡