Moving?!

I'm actually close to tears for like the millionth time now, as I'm writing this. I'm in such a mixed state really, so many emotions trying to make space for themselves inside my little meat suit.

The last couple of weeks sure have been stressful and very eventful. As usual, life gives me both the good and the bad things. Stress from various directions such as school, health and overall life situation. Some people not acting too nice and such. The school environment haven't been too good for me at all and I try to go there as much as possible, as well as studying at home. But I never feel good enough so I end up being late with everything if I even turn at all. I don't feel the motivation and my head goes blank at once when I sit down to study. I can stare at an empty paper sheet for half an hour before I get too frustrated to go on. I have tried all sort of studying methods, get help and stuff. Some things works... for while. I think it's my health and the stress that makes it so hard to focus.

One of the most stressful things is that I keep feeling lonely, and like I have a goal to reach. Like, one of them is moving in with Sebastian. After almost 2 years of looking for a home to share, it's getting frustrating. Sure, people say it's nothing to stress about and that I need to enjoy living alone. But it's not easy after so many years, knowing that this is the person you want to live with and want to marry, lives 12 hours away by train/car, and you have to spend all your money on train tickets to get there. The travel itself is stressful, and you just want to settle down somewhere and not live in a suitcase. We keep getting apartments in Stockholm, but as said before, most don't accept our economic situation.
Recently, we've been thinking about taking the step to move together, but instead of Stockholm, in Piteå. But that would mean I would have to leave school, work opportunities, friends and family behind for some time. But I have figured it should be worth it, as it is all about my health and what I want. Priorities are hard.

Getting a job haven't worked out so far as it's hard to get hired, especially if you haven't completely finished high school. It's stressful to look for 100+ jobs in a short period of times and not get a single one. I just things were a tiny bit simpler.

But today, Sebastian got accepted to get a bigger apartment, a few minutes away from where he currently lives. It would make it much easier for me to move to him and all. It sounds like the best thing to do right now. But we'll have to wait at least until February/March. Even if it means I will have to move from the city I love the most, as well as most of my close friends, I think it's the best solution for me and my health. I can still go and visit them even if the travel will be long and expensive. If I can get a job there, I will be able to save up money for things! Like travels, a new friend for the cats, our wedding, camera and filming equipment and what not.  

I have such amazing friends, and family that supports my choices and always try their hardest to help in any way possible. I can't ever thank all of them enough, just like I can't thank the online support I get enough. Everyone can really pour love allover me, and it will make me so so happy each time. 

Making big decisions are always hard. You will always wonder if you will regret yourself or not. But life is too short for regret and I have felt that feeling all too much in my life, despite only turning 20 next year. I will make sure to live by my choices and find things to enjoy everywhere, even when it's hard. Because I know I always have someone to turn to in moments of doubt. 

I will make sure to enjoy my stay with Sebastian, have fun, film, vlog, work, cuddle, help him move, have cozy anime and movie nights, cook him food and cuddle our dogs and cats a lot. 2015 has been so eventful, and it's soon coming to an end so that we can have another year to enjoy and work hard for.

Thank you for taking your time to read this little ramble.

Jack

Confusion

The title of this blog post will most likely confuse a lot of people, ahaha! 

But it's actually not some sort of Confusion about anything, but it's actually about the Anime/Game/Nerd Convention Confusion in Gothenburg! It's a con that I've been wanting to go to for a few years now and I didn't plan to go there, this year actually, as I haven't had the money or anything. But the other day, when I decided that I wanted to drag my bestie Tir out of his apartment to hang out with me, we went to lunch and hung out at his school a bit, just having a great time.

And he's been very hyped about the con since he'll be cosplaying characters he love and see people he like. And I'm always happy to see him happy. But in the middle of it all, the little shithead that I love so much suddenly suggest that I should go. And he knows I can't afford it. But he's one generous son of a bitch, and yesterday my bae ordered train tickets and con tickets for us! A late birthday gift and one early Christmas gift he said. AND I'M SO HAPPY GUYS! I haven't been to a con since August, and I hadn't planned to go on one until next year, but now I'm getting the chance to do it!

I will be cosplaying with Tir and on my own. Aoba on Friday, with Tir as Noiz, and I will be doing some version of Grell during Saturday, and probably go as Loki too! On Sunday I will use my dear old Izaya cosplay with Tir as Shizu-chan! <3 

My friend Benjamin is so nice and letting me stay at his place with Tir and Mii, and I'm looking forward to it so much. ONLY THREE WEEKS LEFT!

If you're going to Confusion, please don't hesitate to say hi, or ask for a hug! As long as I'm not extremely busy I'm glad to give you one~! It will be so much fun meeting you all and cosplay again~!

And today I'm going to Sebastian's place for about 5 days, since I'll be holding a lecture at the Pride Festival in Skellefteå this weekend. Going to hang out with Tir today before I go to the Airport Arlanda. Can't wait to see my precious man again. And his dogs and cats... and my kitty My!  

I've decided to try to make a little video with me and Sebastian while we try to get his apartment in a more Christmas like mood, since you guys have wanted to see more of us both together. It really sucks that he's so shy and rather stays behind the camera rather than before it though, haha.

Bye for now!

Eh, ruuuuude?

This might make me seem like a bitch. But I honestly couldn't care less right now.

Lately, I've been noticing a lot of different people using my pictures, my name, etc. The other day I happened to stumble across someone who used me as their profile picture of Facebook. They even used my second name and last name even though they used a different first name. They posted statuses as if they were me, had the exact same Facebook photo albums as me with all my pictures etc, and just seemed to act like me. on top of that, they were 'in a relationship' with someone who used my boyfriend's picture as a profile picture. Simply, they were stealing our identities. And that's not ok. They didn't state anywhere that it was a roleplay account or whatever, simply stole our information and photos, even my names. And even if it was a roleplay account, it's still not ok. Especially since they didn't ask me. Nor Sebastian.

And this is not the first time. I've seen other Facebook users. Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, KIK etc. I don't think it's ok. It sure if flattering in some situations, when people make sure to TELL that it's me in the picture and not them. I've seen others use my way of writing BIOs/Info, just editing so it matches them, and that's kind of cute. People who uses also call themselves things much alike my usernames and etc. It' flattering, because they get INSPIRED. They don't copy. They are just inspired by me and that's what I want to do.

Today Sebastian happened to find a roleplay account on Instagram. It used me as "Max", Aquamarine as "Rider", Frank Wolf as "Frank" and someone else, to roleplay 'gay roleplays' with other users. Sure, it's flattering in a way, that they think I'm attractive and nice to use as a character, but I, personally, also think it's creepy. That other fantasizes about me as someone else, doing sexual things etc. I'm not a fictional character like Dean Winchester, Eren Jaeger, Sebastian Michaelis, or whatever. I'm a real person. I'm flesh and blood, with a mind of my own. I have feelings, and I feel hurt when people make me into an object, or a toy, they can use as they wish. Like a doll they can play with.

Sure, I put up all those pictures and texts up on the Internet, for everyone to see. I share a piece of my life with you guys. I do that, for a reason. I write my honest thoughts and opinions here on my blog and other social medias. Just like many others do. And I can just suit myself if people steal my work or pictures. But don't you have any conscious at all? Don't you feel bad for making someone in to an object? You see my pictures, my videos, my walls of text. Would you have done the same if you had met me? Befriended me? FELT my feelings and thoughts, meeting me face to face? Would you do this to one of your friends? I would say, most if you probably wouldn't. I can say, I wouldn't.

When I was younger, I did the same a few times. Before I realized it was weird, and that I would feel weird if someone used me. This was before I started out with Instagram and everything. Then I started using drawn pictures. Sure, it's still someone's work, but it's not a person with feelings and thoughts of it's own, not like a human being.

I never, ever thought I would gain this much attention. It was never my intention in the beginning, but as I noticed more and more people started to follow me, give me feedback etc, I wanted to keep on going and see where it would lead me.

I'm aware of that this won't stop just with a snap of my fingers. But I want to put this out there. I want you to know my thoughts about this.

I don't like people using my pictures without giving me credit. I don't want you to use my pictures for roleplaying. I am, as I said, flattered if you mind me attractive or whatever. I'm SO grateful that you do, and your comments and compliments can make my shittiest day so much better. BUT, however. To use my as a character, do feel really strange. Especially as I know many roleplays includes a lot of romantic things and sometimes (well, quite often if you're a bit older) do have a sexual theme. I feel weird thinking someone else than my boyfriend thinking that of me, even if it's not "me".

You have the right to think whatever you want. It's your mind and fantasy. But what happens in your head stays in your head. It's different when you put it up online.

So guys... I have a favor to ask you. Please don't use my picture without asking me first. And if you get a no, please, do respect that. Show some respect. The same goes for anyone else. My boyfriend, my friends, whoever who puts up pictures online. Don't use their pictures carelessly. Be nice, and ask. it's not that hard. It's just really rude to use something someone else has created in some way. Think of how you want to be treated, and think twice. So many people are very careless online and it's just... not okay. We need to be nicer, show some politeness and be more kind. To keep Internet as nice as possible? There will always be rude and people who won't show respect, but they simple lack manners and it's just too bad that they can't be smarter about how they act.

Thank you if you took your time to read this. You all who support me means so much to me.

Many hugs, your little magical boy Jack

I'M GONNA EXPLODE

It honestly feels like I'm going to explode. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow Sebastian is coming to Stockholm. I haven't seen him since April. So about 2 months. I spent the Easter holiday with him, and it was probably one of the best Easters ever. Now after being apart for so long again, we will finally unite, to stay together for one month. 2 weeks at my place, 2 weeks at his. Then one week apart before he comes back, so that we can go to Närcon together. After that he's stay for another week before I go to Malmö and Gothenburg, to visit Lotta and Therese, and to go to Liseberg and see Niklas perform. 

Sometimes, the feeling of missing Sebastian is so unbearable, I don't know what to do. But we've managed for almost 9 months now. Soon it will be one year since I saw him for the the first time. At Närcon 2013, when he was cosplaying as Sebastian Michaelis from Kuroshitsuji, and I didn't have the courage to say hi to him or anything. I'm so happy I dared to add him on Facebook and write to him afterwards. Just the memories of how shy I was makes me giggle, blush and smile like a little kid. Oh well, I'm so happy with this person. My no.1 baka. 

Anyhow, today was pretty weird, but okay. I had a lot of things to think of, and I'm trying to fix everything that I will be working with at cons and so on during summer. I got up at 7 am to go to Stockholm with my foster dad Johan at 8, since then I don't have to pay for the train. Also, going by car is rather comfy... Anyhow, it was because I was supposed to meet a friend at 12, but some things happened, and she overslept, so we never got to meet since I was feeling pretty down. So I went to Johan's job (a restuarant), and sat upstairs in an empty dining room, playing Sims 2, making schedules, and price lists and so on, for like 4 hours. He got me lemon Fanta though, and it was sweet. 

Afterward we went home, and I slept in the car since I was so tired. Well, at home, I thought I should take care of myself a bit, sooo I redyed my hair! Which I also just cut like one of my favorite youtubers, Aquamarin. I'm happy with it, even though I dislike my face form and exposing too much of my face. I like hiding it with my hair, especially my forehead... so this is a bit odd!

I'm going to take a look at an apartment tomorrow night probably, and then go and spend the night with Sebastian at his sister's place, before we might visit my school the next day, and then retreat to my home! I'm so looking forward to this and I really, really miss my silly boyfriend.

I hope you're all enjoying the summer that is sweeping across big parts of the world, because I do!

Chuu chuu puppies!

New haircut... and tonight I'm re-dying it pink pink pink!