The last couple of weeks sure have been stressful and very eventful. As usual, life gives me both the good and the bad things. Stress from various directions such as school, health and overall life situation. Some people not acting too nice and such. The school environment haven't been too good for me at all and I try to go there as much as possible, as well as studying at home. But I never feel good enough so I end up being late with everything if I even turn at all. I don't feel the motivation and my head goes blank at once when I sit down to study. I can stare at an empty paper sheet for half an hour before I get too frustrated to go on. I have tried all sort of studying methods, get help and stuff. Some things works... for while. I think it's my health and the stress that makes it so hard to focus.
One of the most stressful things is that I keep feeling lonely, and like I have a goal to reach. Like, one of them is moving in with Sebastian. After almost 2 years of looking for a home to share, it's getting frustrating. Sure, people say it's nothing to stress about and that I need to enjoy living alone. But it's not easy after so many years, knowing that this is the person you want to live with and want to marry, lives 12 hours away by train/car, and you have to spend all your money on train tickets to get there. The travel itself is stressful, and you just want to settle down somewhere and not live in a suitcase. We keep getting apartments in Stockholm, but as said before, most don't accept our economic situation.
Recently, we've been thinking about taking the step to move together, but instead of Stockholm, in Piteå. But that would mean I would have to leave school, work opportunities, friends and family behind for some time. But I have figured it should be worth it, as it is all about my health and what I want. Priorities are hard.
Getting a job haven't worked out so far as it's hard to get hired, especially if you haven't completely finished high school. It's stressful to look for 100+ jobs in a short period of times and not get a single one. I just things were a tiny bit simpler.
But today, Sebastian got accepted to get a bigger apartment, a few minutes away from where he currently lives. It would make it much easier for me to move to him and all. It sounds like the best thing to do right now. But we'll have to wait at least until February/March. Even if it means I will have to move from the city I love the most, as well as most of my close friends, I think it's the best solution for me and my health. I can still go and visit them even if the travel will be long and expensive. If I can get a job there, I will be able to save up money for things! Like travels, a new friend for the cats, our wedding, camera and filming equipment and what not.
I have such amazing friends, and family that supports my choices and always try their hardest to help in any way possible. I can't ever thank all of them enough, just like I can't thank the online support I get enough. Everyone can really pour love allover me, and it will make me so so happy each time.
Making big decisions are always hard. You will always wonder if you will regret yourself or not. But life is too short for regret and I have felt that feeling all too much in my life, despite only turning 20 next year. I will make sure to live by my choices and find things to enjoy everywhere, even when it's hard. Because I know I always have someone to turn to in moments of doubt.
I will make sure to enjoy my stay with Sebastian, have fun, film, vlog, work, cuddle, help him move, have cozy anime and movie nights, cook him food and cuddle our dogs and cats a lot. 2015 has been so eventful, and it's soon coming to an end so that we can have another year to enjoy and work hard for.
Thank you for taking your time to read this little ramble.
Jack
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