Health Issues and Other Problems?

I start writing on this blog posts all the time, but for some reason, I never finish. I'm really bad with writing personal things about my daily life and such as I never feel like my daily life is interesting enough. I mean, I'm just a normal, average person who tries to go to school, work, and be social from time to time. For the most, my life is not all that exciting. It's just from time to time, when some event happens.

But I realized that I feel better when I write these "lame" sort of posts. It was why I originally started blogging anyway! To keep it as a public diary, speak my opinions and share my thoughts, and such. Just a place where I could write longer texts and leave for anyone to read, if I felt like it. For people to CHOOSE to read instead of randomly having the text showing up on some Facebook feed. 

So lately has been pretty rough. Saying that doesn't feel like a good way to start things, but I'm sure many can relate. Life is really a roller coaster for most. You feel happy when things go alright and are somewhat easy to handle, but after some setbacks, things might feel a bit heavier and you get tired and less hopeful a bit easier. Especially if you never get enough time to recover from the really heavy setbacks.

If you have been, or are a student, especially in high school, you might know how stressful it can be. And with a health issue, family or friends problems, it gets even worse. Since I re-did my 2nd High School year, this is my 4th year in High School, and the last. I already know that I'm not going to make it with all the grades and stuff, but I will stick to the important courses, I finish the last ones after I have graduated. As long as I finish the right courses, and enough courses, I will still be able to do that luckily.

The school environment, is not really what I need right now. 16-20 years old running around, yelling, pushing each other, throwing things, playing music, being childish, loud and rude, is not what I need when I want to learn things, and catch up from what I missed after being sick so much. It's causing more stress, which is causing me to get even sicker. Of course most teachers try to help me, as they are so super amazing and my school is over all lovely - except for the wild, childish students. I'm getting a different schedule set up and special assignments so I can keep up and try to do stuff at home. But it's still stressful as I miss being able to go to school properly. Also in the beginning of this year of school, my schedule was a bit fucked up for over a month and I missed a lot of classes because of it, which meant I missed a lot of introductions.

I'm working hard to keep up with the school work, but some things outside school keeps making it rough. For example, as I can't live with any of my parents, I have to apply for economic help every month, to pay for my apartment, food and bills. The rules and agreements for that is rather stressful, and I would rather get a full time job instead, to be sure I get my money, and earn enough money for things, and being able to put away money for savings. I'm currently not allowed to do that, as all money I have have to be used to pay for food and bills. Next to that, there's this problem that there's just really hard for me and Sebastian to move together, because of many different reasons, and no one will rent to place for us. Or, some people will, but the rent is either to high, or the place is too far away from Stockholm. As I go to school here, I look for jobs here, and have everyone I hold dear here, and Sebastian wishes to live in Stockholm, it's just difficult.

We keep trying though. And I look for new jobs every weeks. So far I've been to a couple of interviews but that's it. 

But don't get me wrong!

I'm living a great life. I'm SO grateful for what I've got. The apartment, the fact that I can still go to school, that so many people helps me etc, EVERYTHING is things that I know I'm lucky to have. And on top of that, I get to do things that I love. Work with fashion, cosplay, writing and videos. That's just the greatest bonus.

I just wish I had a more stable life, where I knew for sure about things like my living situation, money and occupation. Just like anyone. But I will keep trying hard. Especially the last 2 year has been such a struggle, BUT I've made it so far with so much help, and lovely people who has kept up my spirit. For example my foster dads, my bonus family (Cilla, Simon and Patrik), my awesome friends and fiancé. Without them, I wouldn't have been here today.

And without other people, I wouldn't have been making videos. Eat Your Kimchi for example. They encouraged me through their videos, and the two times I've met them. My best friend Emily, who got me into Youtube after I had admired her for years, not knowing what a truly amazing person she really is. And then my boyfriend for telling me that I'm not silly or ugly, which I whine about everytime I stand infront of the camera or try to edit a video, haha... And of course all of you who watch, and leave such sweet comments. 

I really want to be able to continue with my work, as well as fixing this last year of school. I really hope that I can get a job, and I really hope that my health will get better. I tried to make a video about my health issues as many people tend to ask, but I wasn't satisfied, so i have to make a new one. And probably maybe a blogpost as well.

It's just... amazing how much you guys have shown how much you care for me, and it's one of the best feelings in the world. Whenever one of you tell me that I have helped you, just by a small piece of advice, or by just making my posts, that makes me day much better. Being able to help is my biggest dream.

So I try my hardest to stay above the surface and swim towards land now when I'm drowning in feelings, physical issues and stress. I know I can make it, and so can you. So try! Keep trying!