Wait

It's this thing. I'm sure many been through it. This horrible, nagging feeling in the back of your head, telling you to take a step forward, do something. You have a wish. One wish stronger than all others. One thing that you really want to do, complete, make it happen. And you know you can. You're fully capable of it, the resources and chances are their, totally available. But... of course, there's one things stopping you. Always one thing.

Time. The right moment. The right day. The right time. No matter how hard you wish for it, it doesn't matter if time won't allow you to fulfill it. It's literally breaking me down from inside. Feels like I'm missing out on something. Or running out of time. That if I loosen the grip of what I have, just the slightest, I will drop it, even if it is my biggest treasure in life. 

I feel so embarrassed about it. Like I'm rushing and pressuring those who care. Feeling like I annoy people. Just because I know what I want, just because I'm aiming for something, because I have a goal, that I want to complete. It feels like it's one of the many lost pieces of a puzzle, and I want to put it in place, to be closer to complete the puzzle of life and see the whole picture. I feeling like I'm too eager. Even greedy, or egoistic.

But yet, one of my ways of thinking in life, "What if tomorrow is too late?".

You never know what your next day will look like. What will change. What will appear. What will disappear. And I don't want to push things forward and wait, if I know what I want, if I know what to do, if I'm able to do it. I rather do it then and there than to miss the opportunity.

For example, I regret so much that I didn't say 'I love you' to one of my best friends the last time we met. He was like an extra grandpa, and a great friend. He had always supported and helped me, especially during the last months when I lived with my mom. He died in the end of February, 2014. I met him the last time, when he visited me and mom, 2013, December. I never said those three words when he left. And I regret it so deeply. He knew I loved him, but it would have felt so much better to have said it, before cancer took him away from us. Especially since I didn't get to go to his funeral or anything. 

Now I'm just afraid that I won't get to do the things I really want, and I'm scared I will lose or scare people by being so determined about what I want. I'm not too rushed, I know that. I think things through, over and over again. I'm always determined about what I want and not just naive. But I know all people aren't. And when it's people I care about, and I know I make them uncomfortable, or jealous, or even mad, I look down on myself, thinking 'just what are you thinking you dumb idiot?'.

I am happy with what I got so why do I want to go even further? 

It's nothing I can control. At least not now. Instead I keep drowning in shame from being a resolute, strong-willed, stubborn guy. I can't even tell what's bad or not anymore. And I close myself up in a shell thinking I should just throw it away and go back to being nothing. 

And this post is probably pretty sad, but that's how I feel right now and I just needed to vent. Still love you all though.

Over and out.